Bob: Shelby Rawson had had a difficult relationship with her father as she was growing up. When she became a Christian, she knew she needed to deal with those difficulties and ultimately to forgive her father.

Shelby: When I was in my early 20s, I was going, "I have forgiven him, I have forgiven him." But then I realized that I am not extending any grace to my dad. Jesus Christ has extended me more grace than I could ever imagine, and how dare I not extend grace to a man who has not heaped any more shame or sadness on me than has been heaped on my Savior.[ Read Full Transcript ]

Bob: This is FamilyLife Today for Friday, June 8th. Our host is the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. We'll hear today about what real forgiveness looks like in a reconciled relationship between a father and a daughter.

And welcome to FamilyLife Today, thanks for joining us. You know, we've heard clearly this week how powerful it is when a father and a daughter have a healthy relationship together as the daughter is growing up, and we've also heard how profoundly powerful it can be if that healthy relationship isn't a part of their experience.

Dennis: We have, Bob, and I just appreciate Ariel Allison and Shelby Rawson for sharing their stories. Shelby, Ariel, thanks for really peeling your hearts open and letting our listeners peer into some painful moments in your lives and share your stories, and thanks, again, for being on our broadcast.

Ariel: Thank you.

Shelby: Thank you.

Dennis: They have put their stories in a book called "Daddy, Do You Love Me?" It's really a book about how important a daughter's relationship is with her father and how that impacts her for life.

We had something happen here at FamilyLife not too long ago that I want our listeners to hear. We decided we would begin one of our staff meetings by talking about what God had done in our lives in the past year.

And one of our staff members stood up and – listen in.

Woman: [from audiotape.] My dad died in March, and while that I thought would be a relief in a lot of ways, and it was but not in the way I thought. And I was molested by my dad from the time I was five until I was 11, and I had spent 46 and a half years not knowing how to forgive him and thinking I had and through a lot of prayers, a lot of people thought I had.

And about eight months before he died, I realized I didn't know what forgiveness was, and I thought forgiveness was that he was going to call me and ask me to forgive him, and he was going to say how sorry he was for what he did, and that never happened.

But eight months before he died, I was able to forgive him and be okay with the fact that it wasn't about him forgiving me, it was about me releasing him. And when I did that, the really cool part was that he did, I think, allow my dad to know that I had forgiven him, and it released our relationship, and we were able to have conversations that were deeper and more meaningful than we ever had in all the years since that time.

And so I had eight months of being able to call on the phone and not be angry and not be frustrated that he didn't get it. And so I just – I tell you, the last year knowing that I had that forgiveness in my heart meant the world, and it has changed how I view people and forgiveness of myself and of others, and it really isn't about them forgiving, it's about us forgiving, and that is such a release and such a gift.

Bob: I remember, that was stunning. I mean, the staff, all of us, were just stunned as she shared thinking about the powerful, profound, moment that comes when somebody releases another person through forgiveness.

Dennis: That's right, and if you'll recall, Bob, the entire staff stood in a standing ovation. I mean, it was a powerful moment just to honor this woman and her courage, because it takes courage to forgive someone who has profoundly hurt you like this.

Ariel, you and Shelby have shared story after story in your book about other women who have forgiven their fathers, but you both have offered the gift of forgiveness to your fathers, and, Shelby, you tell a story in the book of a guy by the name of Kevin Tunnel, is that right?

Shelby: Mm-hm.

Dennis: Share that story with our listeners, because I think it's really an interesting story of how not to forgive.

Shelby: Right, yeah, that was the first, I think, slap in the face for me – or slap on the heart, I guess you could say, from God as I read in Max Lucado's book, "In the Grip of Grace," the story of an 18-year-old who hit and killed a 17-year-old girl. He was a drunk driver, and the long and the short of it is that he went to court, obviously. He paid his dues as far as he went to jail, served his time, and then was required by the family very specifically, they wanted a check written by Kevin Tunnel every Friday made out to this girl that he killed, basically every week, to make up for every year that they lost. And it was – I think it was $900 and some – $936, I think.

Dennis: Nine hundred and thirty-six weeks in a row, he was to make out a check for $1.

Shelby: Yes, so that every Friday he would remember who he killed, and he offered, please, can I – I will sign a box of checks and give you a box of checks, which would cover up a full year past what he was required to do, and they took him to court four times because he did not pay. Sometimes he would forget, because it was – I mean, it was too painful, and he would just forget. He didn't want to think about it.

And so it just wasn't – that was not good enough. They wanted him to remember, and they wanted him to pay.

Dennis: Max Lucado writes, "How much is enough? Were you in that family and were Tunnel your target, how many payments would you require? Better stated, how many payments do you require?"

I think the Christian community really has a lot of growing up to do when it comes to forgiveness. I think there is a reason why much of the New Testament commands us to forgive one another 70 times 7, and over and over again, and forgiving one another just as Jesus Christ has forgiven us. I don't think we're good forgivers.

Bob: Ariel, I have to ask you – do you remember when it first dawned on you – we've already heard this week your story of your relationship with your dad and the damage that was done there – do you remember when it first dawned on you, "I have a responsibility to forgive him?"

Ariel: I do, and it was actually somebody you will know – Terry Howard [sp] – who has spoken at a lot of FamilyLife conferences here. She mentored me for several years, she's an amazing woman, and she was a very good friend to me in the years before I got married. And I remember one night calling her in tears because my father had been in town for three months, and he hadn't even called to say hello, and I was devastated.

I was on the phone with her, I was at work, and she said, "Ariel, you need to forgive your father." And I was mad, and I didn't know how, and I remember her on the other end of the phone going, "Ariel, are you willing to be willing to forgive your father, because I know you're not willing to forgive him right now," and that question stuck with me for a long time, and I wrestled with God to make me willing to forgive him.

Bob: Shelby, do you remember when you first realized, "I have a job to do whether I like it or not. I need to forgive my father?"

Shelby: It actually happened – I knew that I needed to forgive him for a while, but I was going through a – when I was in my early 20s, like, I have forgiven him, I have forgiven him. Two things happened to me – one, I read Max Lucado's book, "In the Grip of Grace," and read the story about Kevin Tunnel, and realized that I am not extending any grace to my dad. Jesus Christ has extended me more grace than I could ever imagine and how dare I not extend grace to a man who has not heaped any more shame or sadness on me than has been heaped on my Savior.

And so that really hit me hard. And then I went on a retreat, a singles retreat, of all things, that was on forgiveness. And it was – he talked about cheap forgiveness versus real, authentic forgiveness, and that was when I really began to understand that cheap forgiveness is when it's easy forgiveness. It's when somebody comes up to you, and they can grovel, or at least they say that they're sorry, and they acknowledge everything that that have done wrong.

The authentic forgiveness does not come with that, and I say in the book that it's not always coupled with reconciliation, it's not always coupled with somebody coming up to you and saying that they're sorry, and when I realize that, "Oh, my gosh, I have wanted my dad to say that he's sorry, and I want him to tell me what he's done wrong. I want him to admit that he's wronged me," and that retreat that weekend opened my eyes to knowing that he may never, ever say he's sorry, and that does not let me off the hook.

Bob: When we were playing that clip from staff meeting, you were nodding big time going, "That's exactly how I felt," isn't it?

Shelby: Absolutely.

Bob: So now you're faced with this dilemma that your dad may never ask, but there is still something in the human soul that says, "Well, if he's not going to ask," you kind of grit your teeth and go, "Then I'm not going to let him off the hook. I don't want to let him off the hook because he might hurt me again."

Shelby: That's right, and the world tells you, "You hang onto that. Hang onto your anger. That's what – there are so many of your friends that are so willing to say, "You have every reason in the world to be mad at him. No, he doesn't deserve it." That's the big one – he doesn't deserve it.

But that's not what God says. There is nothing in Scripture that says, "You know, when the offender comes to you and begs your forgiveness, then you may offer it." There's nothing in there about that. It's all – you forgive.

Bob: And there may be some – I just want to say this, because we've heard from listeners who will go to Luke 17:3, okay? Luke 17:3, it says, "If your brother repents, forgive him," and they say, "See, there's that verse she missed. I don't have to forgive him until he repents." Well, no, that's not what Luke 17:3 says. It doesn't say, "You don't have to forgive him until he repents." It says, "If he repents, forgive him."

Then you have to look at Jesus on the cross saying, "Father, forgive them, they don't even know what they're doing." And say, "That's a picture of forgiveness as well." So, you're absolutely right. Forgiveness does not wait until somebody comes and says, "I realize what I've done." We can be proactive in what I've heard you define many times, Dennis, as releasing someone from the right to punish them for what they did to us.

Dennis: That's what forgiveness is. It's giving up the right to punish another person, and I've said it many times on this broadcast, when you release them from the prison you have them in, you end up finding out the person who was imprisoned was not them but who, Ariel?

Ariel: But me.

Dennis: Yeah, you. If you hold a grudge, if you have bitterness toward another person, you're the one who needs to be set free, and it's interesting, the way you get out of prison is by giving up the right to punish the other person.

In fact, I want to read what you all wrote in your book on this chapter. You said, "I believe you can honor your dad by the way you live your life. Don't live your live just to spite him. Live your life in spite of what he taught you or didn't teach you. You can walk in this world despite the challenges that he knowingly or unknowingly saddled you with. Be a woman of honor," and then you quote Deuteronomy 12:28, "That it may go well with you."

And that's the promise of Scripture – honor your mother and father that it may go well with you, and that you may live a long life in the land, which the Lord your God gives you."

Both of you have honored your dads by writing a tribute. Now, was that a hard thing for you to do, Ariel?

Ariel: If you'd asked me several years before he died, it would have been, but when I wrote it, it had become something I was looking forward to doing, because at the point that I wrote it, actually, when we were writing this book, I was eager to have the opportunity to honor him, because I did not do a good job of it while he was alive, and I looked forward to the opportunity to tell the world about the wonderful things he had done.

Dennis: In order to write a tribute, you have to forgive. Was there a point in time where you forgave your father that released you to be able to write words of honor to him?

Ariel: It happened within the last six months of his life. It took a long time for me, but God finally brought me to a place where I extended real forgiveness, and I extended it fully instead of constantly holding onto little things or remembering grudges and picking them back up, which I had done for quite a while.

Bob: You didn't write the tribute until after your father had died.

Ariel: Mm-hm.

Bob: And some people would think, "Well, he's gone. Why write a tribute to your dad, he's not going to be able to hear the words anymore."

Ariel: It was for me, a lot of it was for me to have the opportunity to honor him. It was, for many reasons, I still have very young siblings at home that I, unfortunately, taught how not to honor him while we were growing up, and it's an act of obedience. We're commanded in Scripture, "Honor your father and mother." It's in the Ten Commandments. It's so, so important to God. I love what Dennis Rainey says in – I believe it's in "Moments Together for Couples," we've quoted in there – it's an act of obedience to God, and it's an act of becoming an adult and sharing your responsibility in that relationship.

And as we grow and mature not only in life but in a relationship with the Lord there comes a point where we take responsibility as well for that relationship with our parents, and it's obedience, and it's knowing that it will go well with me. I may not want to honor him right now, and I may not feel that he is worthy of it, but I am commanded to do it.

Bob: Shelby, did you have to release your father before you began writing your tribute to him, or was writing the tribute part of how you released him?

Shelby: No, I had released him before I wrote the tribute, definitely, and as I was writing it, I think my heart broke a little bit just realizing that I hadn't done it yet, and that it was something that I felt like I needed to do for a while, and I hadn't done it. But now, in the process, when I was writing, I was very emotional, but it was emotional just really remembering the good things and thinking about just the fun and the silliness and then also just knowing that my dad is still living, and he's living with the dirty laundry that I aired on the pages of that book, and that he said, "Don't be scared to write this book," and he gave me wings.

And that just gave me such motivation to put those words on paper for everybody to get to see not just him.

Dennis: I want to ask you both to do something.

Shelby: I knew it.

Dennis: Both of your tributes are fairly lengthy, so we don't have time for you to read the entire tribute. But if I could set your dad across from you here in the studio right now, and enable you to read one paragraph from your tribute, what I'd like to ask you to do is to pick the paragraph and then read it to him. Can you do that?

Shelby: Mm-hm.

Ariel: Mm-hm.

Bob: Just take a minute and look through your tributes and decide which paragraph you want to read, and while you're doing that, Dennis, let me let our listeners know that they can get a copy of the book, "Daddy, Do You Love Me?" by Ariel and Shelby from our FamilyLife Resource Center.

Go to our website, FamilyLife.com, in the middle of the home page you'll see a button that says "go", and you click that button, it will take you right to the area of the site where there is more information about their book. There is also information on how any of us can write a tribute to honor our parents. There's a book that you wrote called "The Best Gift You Can Ever Give Your Parents," and we've got that on our website. We also have links to articles about writing a tribute for your parents.

Again, go to our website, FamilyLife.com, click the red button that says "Go," in the center of the screen, and that will take you to the area of the site where you can get more information about all of these resources or call us at 1-800-FLTODAY, 1-800-358-6329, that's 1-800-F-as-in-family, L-as-in-life, and then the word TODAY. Someone on our team can let you know how you can get the resources you need sent to you.

And if you can, when you get in touch with us, we'd like to ask you to consider making a donation to FamilyLife Today. We are listener-supported, and those donations are what keep us on the air in this city and in other cities all across the country.

This month when you make a donation of any amount, we want to invite you to request as a thank you gift a DVD, and it's a message from Dennis Rainey for dads about being a dad. The DVD, again, is our gift to you as a way of saying thank you for your support of the ministry of FamilyLife Today when you make a donation of any amount this month.

If you're donating online, when you come to the form that you fill out online, there will be a keycode box, and if you'll type the word "dads" into that box, d-a-d-s, we'll know to send you a copy of the DVD or call 1-800-FLTODAY, make your donation over the phone and just mention that you'd like the DVD thank you gift, and we'll be happy to send it out to you. It's, again, our way of saying thanks for your financial support of the ministry of FamilyLife Today. Dennis?

Dennis: And I just want to say thanks to Shelby Rawson and to Ariel Allison for really sharing their stories with our listeners. Both of you all are courageous, as Barbara wrote about in the foreword to your book, and I gave you a little assignment, and you both have madly been reading through your tributes to decide what paragraph or two you're going to read. Who wants to go first – Ariel, you look like you're ready.

Ariel: I will. My heart's beating 1,000 miles an hour. "Daddy – I am always caught off guard by the intensity of the emotions that assail my heart when I open it up to memories of you. I remember you every time I look in the mirror, I have your jaw, your legs, and your motor mouth. I have your temper, but I also have your ability to love the people in this world that no one else will. In 1,000 ways I am my father's daughter, and I am so thankful for that.

After a lifetime of living with you, longing for you, and wrestling with you, I can say in all honesty that I am proud to be the daughter of James Lee Allison. I am proud to be your daughter. I am proud that the last name you gave me graces the cover of this book with the blessing of my husband. I have always thought it was the most beautiful last name a girl could possibly have.

I am forever grateful for the gift you gave me just hours before you died, and how you led me to the foot of the cross in worship. I am thankful for the words of affirmation and love you sealed our relationship with. I know that one day I will step into the other side of eternity, and you will be waiting for me, and we will be able to pick up right where we left off in worship together, just as it should be. I love you, Daddy, and I know that you love me, too. Your little firecracker, Ari."

Dennis: I think the cool part of the story that our listeners don't know just to show the profound nature of the healing that God's spirit created in your heart – when you had a little boy, what did you decide to do?

Ariel: Name him after my father – and my father died four or five months before I got pregnant with our second child, and we know that if it was a boy, his middle name would be James. It turned out to be his first name is James, but we were able to pass on that name and pass it on well with love.

Dennis: Yeah, that's cool. I think that really speaks highly of what God did in your heart. Way to go.

Bob: All right, Shelby, your turn.

Shelby: "Dad, you didn't have to say you were sorry or ask forgiveness, but you did. There are more fathers out there than I can count who would not and will not do the same thing. Those dads are depriving their daughters of a precious gift that I was able to receive from you. You took a step toward me with no guarantee of my response. Thank you.

When I was in the thick of our book, I hit a roadblock. My hands were practically frozen as I tried to type the words regarding some of my painful times with you. I didn't think I could do it – so, anxiously, with my heart pounding, I called you. I could not manage to bring up the subject of the book, but you did. In total frankness, I told you that I was stuck.

You immediately asked if it was because of you; if I was worried that what I wrote would devastate you, and you went on to say that you could take it. 'Don't worry about me,' in tears, I confessed that I was scared. Once again, you did not waver in your reassurance. 'Don't be scared, Shelb, I know there's going to be hard stuff in this book. Say whatever you need to say. No matter what happens, you are my daughter, and I am going to love you. Don't be scared. Write your book.'

As I pen these words, tears run over my face. Dad, you unfettered my wings and told me to soar. Not only does my Heavenly Father run to me with arms wide open, but so do you, so do you. And now, Dad, I know you love me. Love always, Shelby."

Bob: FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ.